I'M BACK if anyone cares

Yes. The bitch is back. To this shitty life. I'll do a nice write up on Bangkok one of these days. No mood now. Tired etc etc. Bangkok's fun. Very chaotic, overwhelming the senses. And this is from a true blue city boy, someone who RELISHED walking the crazy, crowded streets of Manhattan and London. But Bangkok is another story altogether. It's insane lunacy. And it's HUGE. But more about all that another day.

Life Has A Funny Way...

Doesn't it? Anyway, I'm putting it all aside and going to have a (hopefully) banging time in Bangkok. I shall arrive in an ensemble as splendid and utterly FABULOUS as what Diana Ross wore to that black comedian's funeral.

She's FABULOUS! What a DiVA!
Ok yeah I won't be a tenth as fabulous as that unfortunately. But I will come back with enough clothes and shit to last me for a few MONTHS, which would allow me to rebuild my RAPED, DEPLETED bank account. 2005 has been a watershed year for me seriously. I woke up this year. It's about damn time. 2006 will be about living life the way I always wanted to but never did. Hopefully. Will do one of those new year things when I return. Twars.

The Hours

I just watched this a few...well...hours ago and felt it was a really thought-provoking show. Definitely one you can watch multiple times. How far are people willing to go to achieve what they feel will be happiness? Mrs Brown (Julianne's character) chose to leave her family and got a job at a library in Canada. And years later when she looked back, she found it too easy and convenient to meekly declare that she regretted selfishly deserting her husband and young children. I interpret that to mean that well...she really HAD no regrets. She paid a high price no doubt. But she basked in the light at the end of a dark tunnel. Anoter interesting question is whether the happiest moments of our life are in our youth? Are they? If so, that would justify my constant fretting over growing old. But seriously, who is to say that we cannot have those happiest moments in our 40s 50s 60s or even beyond? It is unlikely admittedly. It's funny that the three women are all bisexual. Of course Clarissa (played by the FABULOUS Meryl Streep-the reason I bought the DVD), was the most open regarding her sexuality. She lived with her partner Sally, and they'd been together for ten years. Let's not forget that her time period was 2001, so I guess that is to be expected. Both Virginia and Laura could never be as free with their feelings, although both locked lips with other women (in Virginia's case her own sister...eww). But who am I to judge? I guess lesbianism in those days was a lot easier when it was incestous. Another question to ponder-is suicide the next best alternative to happiness? If we're perpetually living under a cloud of gloom and doom, might it be better to actually end it all once and for all by taking our lives? Because we DO have control over it. Of course I'm not considering religion and the Christian consequences of taking one's own life etc etc. I can almost hear my mum nagging about how I must not be a Christian because I choose to discount religion in the course my pondering. It has been a long time since I've watched this type of movie that really makes you question your very existance and the meaning of life. I totally identify with a lot of the themes really. The eternal pursuit of happiness, what happiness really is (it doesn't always involve doing the "right" thing), whether it is perennial or ephemeral, youth and aging, the feeling of living an empty life, the burden of having to repress oneself and so much more. Wow. It's just got so much depth. And I think Meryl is seriously one of the best actresses in this generation. Nicole and Julianne are great too. Ok. Enough of all this self reflection and "depth". Time to sit back and enjoy JESSICA SIMPSON performing THESE BOOTS! Woo!

HOT TAMALE!

This is from Brokeback Mountain, the Ang Lee movie starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger. Yes they're gay cowboys. I hope the fucking censors here let it be shown uncut, although this being Singapore, we'll probably be lucky to even watch a heavily edited version. Boo!

My Mr. Big

I wonder if you're my Mr. Big. I don't want to meet him in my 30s. I want to meet him NOW because it's gonna take 6 fucking years before we actually get together for real and forfuckingever. So sometime in 2011, I'll fly off to Paris to be with some guy, find myself miserable and lonely, and you can swoop in like the big hero and bring me back to Singapore...or Manhattan. Absofuckinglutely.


Isn't she gorgeous?

Minor Musings

When I first met you things were cool. I felt comfortable around you. You were a breath of fresh air. I liked you.

And then, all the bullshit started, along with your fickle nature and crazy moods.

I don't know where I fit, in the puzzle that is your world. Your own funny strange world.

I don't think I'll ever know.

Now when I see you, I feel uncomfortable. I yearn for that feeling of ease again. There's always one excuse or another. I wonder if you'll ever learn any new ones. I still like you. But of course I never really made it clear. Or did I?

I know I've said this many times before. But the sad thing is, I really do mean it this time.
"I can't keep on waiting for you, I know that you're still hesitating. Don't cry for me cause I'll find my way. You'll wake up one day, but it will be too late"

this time honey, I'm REALLY hanging up on you

Oh my

I dropped the F-word 14 times in my previous post la. That has to be a bloody record. I can compete with Madonna in that aspect. Speaking of the bitch, I was reading her interview in the latest Rolling Stone and this was like my favourite favourite part.

Then Madonna decides that it's time to fly back to London.

"Green Day are going to have to leave before you," one of the show's producers informs her.

"Why?" she asks. "We were supposed to leave first."

"Their cars are here, and yours are waiting elsewhere because you stayed backstage longer than you said you would," the producer explains.

Madonna is flustered. She doesn't like the fact that Green Day are leaving first.

"Well, I'll just fly back with them," she says.

"But they're taking a car to Frankfurt."

"Oh," Madonna says, suddenly relieved. Her status as queen has been restored. "We're in a helicopter."

SO CLASSIC! My GOD I LOVE her la. Fuck Kaballah, nothing's gonna take away the QUEEN'S ego. She's just such an amazing person.

Welcome to my PITY PARTY

I don't care. No one reads this anyway so I'm just gonna throw a BALL of a pity party. I HATE being alone. Was supposed to meet Jon at Marina but he CANCELLED on me at the last minute. Which is FINE really. I decided to head to Orchard. Hung out at all the usual spots-Borders, Kino etc. What REALLY frusrated me was when I tried to find dinner. It's FUCKING impossible to find dinner when you're all alone in Singapore! Everywhere is so damn crowded! I can't wait for some empty table and then leave my bags there to reserve it because some fucker would just steal it! FUCK. I HATE BEING ALONE! So in the end I settle for fucking MacDonalds', I ALWAYS eat fast food when I'm alone. URGH. I realise that I need more gal pals. I mean, Cindy and Lena are great but they're always so damn busy. I'm very not stereotype when it comes to this. I have like hardly any fag hags la. Fuck. Do you know why? BECAUSE OF FUCKING JC. While other people spent their JC live making friends, I bitched and whined and moaned and complained about the shithole I was in. Do you know why? Because it WAS a shithole. I did like some of the girls from 03A21 (actually I have no problem with most of them la, all very decent people), but I was too busy being a bloody bitch and elitist snob to make real friends. And then of course let's not forget how the fucking guys basically cut off Omar and myself, but I digress...

I regret so much la. And then when I saw those two cute and obviously homo boys at the Lido/Borders traffic junction, laughing and having a good time, that was like the fucking last straw. WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE THAT??? I'm nearly FUCKING 20, have no decent(reliable,stable etc) social life to speak of, have never been in love. FUCK! And then when I do meet people I like, why is it that NONE of them FUCKING like me? I'm so pissed off I tell you. With myself mostly. I'm sorry for being a disappointment. I really am. I hate to disappoint and evidently I have done so several times this year. Why must I have those FUCKING genes. Why can't I be FUCKING filthy rich??? URGH.

I can't take this shit la. Fucking dead-end. This should be the bloody prime of my life and what am I doing? I'm WANDERING AROUND TOWN BY MYSELF WITH NO PURPOSE, UNABLE TO EAT DINNER BECAUSE I AM ALONE, AND LOOKING AT ALL THESE PEOPLE WITH THEIR FRIENDS/BOYFRIENDS/GIRLSFRIENDS.

And then there I am. With my two shopping bags.

Alone.