Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely)

I'm beginning to think I'll never get what I want from life. It's just going to be one disappointment after another. Stop building castles in the air and get back down to earth Simon, it'd do you a world of good. Money makes me happy. Money can buy me things that make me happy. Hell, money can probably buy me love. But what good is all of that at the end of the day if I just don't *feel* right?

I'm thinking about the past 2 decades of my life so far. Pretty unremarkable. Pretty blah. Boring. Except when people suddenly develop issues with me for no apparent reason. Chris, Siow, Tong, Jireh. Even in primary school (yes I'm really going back here) when my classmates seemed hell bent on making fun of me and just giving me a hard time. Or when friendships collapse. You can see the cracks forming but the process seems inevitable. Jeff, Cindy. But then again I'm no angel either. I've made my mistakes, I've been fucking mean to others, and perhaps all this is just a cycle of that pesky thing called karma. Or life. I really hope that once we've all left the army, we can pick up where we left off. Me, Tong, Gerald, Fabien, Homan etc. And I really hope that the fledging friendship I have with Meng and WR develops into something decidedly more...substantial than clubbing and gymming and talking about trashy things. And I really hope that when it's time for school to start, I won't repeat the same mistakes I did in AC and SA.

Hope. It's all I have sometimes. Yet I feel like a mere spectator to my life, unable to take full control of the steering wheel, just waiting for fate or destiny or whatever crap to blow me along, waiting for the next shipwreck, looking forward to that sunny paradise that is always 'only a distance away'.

It's not easy. None of it is. I've had to bloody fight for a lot of the things I have today. The funny thing is once I've won the battle I often lose interest in the thing (more often than not, person) I fought so hard for in the first place. It's a rather interesting part of my character. I suppose I'm whimsical that way.

I don't know what I need. I really don't know.