I Want To Kill Myself. Again.

6.30 AM tomorrow? YOU GOTTA BE JOKING! Past week (since Monday actually) has been one period of my life I NEVER want to live through again. NSmen called up for reservist training and we have to get there by 6.30 AM and leave no earlier than 7 PM. Right...

And the bloody cherry on the cake is that this exercise ain't over till NEXT Friday and I'll probably have to book in on Saturday night and STAY IN (when's the last time I did that?) because they leave for their damn outfield training on SUNDAY. All the nit-wit regulars who came up with this training program cum schedule should be EXECUTED for having no life and just generally being a menace to society. Or myself anyway. *Grumble grumble*

On a brighter note I was on MC today. On a not-so-bright and decidedly more unhappy note, it was because I had this really really dis-fucking-gusting outbreak of rashes all over my body (save the face) that looked more like a gazillion mosquito bites. You know when they swell to form small mishapened circles and whatnot. Imagine having them all over you. Ewww. Got a jab at the clinic. In the butt. Yup. Not *in* the butt la but it was pretty close.

Hmmm. So today I decided to grab the opportunity to head down to Cali to workout, seeing that next week is probably going to be even more dismal than this one. *5 more months to ORD, 5 more months to ORD* But I'll get through it. I'll survive. Because that's what I am. A survivor. Urm...sure.

Spent over a hundred dollars today on sundry items, actually just one CD and 3 books. A collection of Ella Fitzgerald songs, which was very very worth the money (3 CDs, 60 songs, $18 plus plus) for starters. But wait, when did I start remotely liking jazz? Am I not the Britney/J Lo/Madonna/Cher whore who would just recoil and die if forced to listen to someone who kicked the bucket a decade ago? Well, the answer to that is rather simple. Yet surprising. Was watching Good Night And Good Luck over the weekend with Jon and througout the movie, they played snippets of this negress (it's easier to type out than the politically-correct term, and I don't give two shits about being politically-correct, so there) singing various jazz tunes. And I liked it! I really really liked it. Said singer turns out to be Diane Reeves and she is still very much alive. Would have bought the GNAGL soundtrack but then I saw the Ella collection and that just seemed like such a good bargain. And I am always one for a good bargain.

Got 3 books at Borders. The Devil Wears Prada (which I expect to be FABULOUS, was so happy to see that they stocked it), The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (American classic which I first heard of when I was reading another book a few weeks ago), and Law 101 - Everything You Need To Know About the American Legal System. Yeah I know what you're thinking. But pause. It's not like what I'll be studying in NUS in my first year is going to have much to do with the "American Legal System", although to qualify that it will give me some insight into first year topics like torts and contract law. NUS certainly isn't going to enlighten me on when cases can be tried in federal courts as opposed to state courts and that kind of thing that one can read and go 'only in America'. So don't point that eww-you're-such-a-freaky-geek-studying-before-you-even-enroll finger at me.

But I have been reading an awful lot. I'll give you that. Apart from the weekly Economist (which I used to take a whole week to finish but can now read from end to end in one weekend, I don't know if I should feel happy or sad), I've read And The Band Played On, which is very poignant and very confusing with it's myraid of characters. But that's precisely what the AIDS epidemic was in those early years. One mess of confusion. As we mark the 25th anniversary of the first reported AIDS cases, reading that just recently made it all the more poignant now. All those lives lost because of instituitions failing to work, more concerned with expedience and having "consensus" than their fellow human beings. The blame belongs to everyone really. The Reagan Admininstration, the Blood Bank Chiefs, the scientists who were more concerned with seeking personal glory, the bath-house owners who refused to close down initially, the gay men who wouldn't listen and continued having unsafe sex. It makes my blood boil.

I also read Freakonomics which was ok. A tad short, he certainly could have written a much more detailed and longer book, but I suppose that would have taken away the element of accessibility. His insights were fascinating. And I love the politically-incorrect ideas he proposes. For example, that the enforcement of Roe Vs Wade was the main reason behind the huge decrease in crime in America throughout the 90s and till today, despite many "expert" predictions in the late 80s that crime would soon spiral out of control. It didn't. It fell dramatically because those babies who would most likely have grown up to be criminals simply WEREN'T BORN. Sure, the anti-abortionist would be mortified that abortion was actually responsible for one of the biggest success stories in American society over past 15 years, but any rational human being can see that this really does make perfect sense.

I also read A History Of Tractors In Ukranian, which was shortlisted for the Orange Prize 2005 and whose (very nice) cover and insides were embellished with tons of great, sparkling reviews. It was...ok. Haha. Some parts were hilarious (like the crap car, crap husband bit), but I failed to grasp what exactly was so shocking about the revealation of their family past. I mean, perhaps it wasn't meant to be some dramatic insight and my expectations were not realistic, but the whole "we were sent to a concentration camp and I got into trouble because I stole ciggarettes" affair made me go "that's it?" after finishing the book. I expected something way more dramatic.

What else. Oh yes, that collection of essays by Siri what's her name. I was a tad lost at times, but it was a good (if sometimes tedious) read. I loved reading what she had to say about growing up in New York City. Speaking of being a tad lost at times, that could also be said of the other book which I just finished, Civilization And It's Discontents, by Sigmund Freud. I'm not going to pretend I understood all his theories. In fact I think some of them are really crap. But I can concur with the whole Ego versus Libido, Eros versus the Death Drive bit. The part about the origins of guilt and the two differing, paradoxical ways that lead to guilt (something about agressive drives being stored up and used by the Super-Ego instead, which leads to the Super-Ego exerting internal authority on the ego, resulting in guilt, contrasting with the one where guilt is still present after the agression has been released) made me, well let's just say, rather more than a tad lost. I do agree that civilization has imposed certain limits on us that contribue to the disatisfaction we sometimes feel for it, although I would really rather die than live in an uncivilized world. By and large, I'm on the same page as Freud (not completely mind), and this is definately a text that has (and deserves) to be read a second, and then a third time to fully comprehend and appreciate.

The sexually mature individual finds that his choice of object is restricted to the opposite sex, and the most extra-genital gratifications are forbiden as perversions. The demand for a uniform sexual life for all, which is proclaimed in all these prohibitions, disregards all the disparities, innate and acquired, in the sexual constitution of human beings, thereby depriving fairly large numbers of sexual enjoyment and becoming a source of grave injustice...blahblahblah...But what is not outlawed - hetrosexual genital love - is still limited by legitimacy and monogamy

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE. Right on Freud. At least in this day and age, this restriction is no longer as rigid as it was. It has been replaced by discrimination. Oh and of course lots of countries (including our own first world island-state) still ban gay sex. Absolutely ridiculous.

What else. Oh yes one more. Charles Dickens A Tale Of Two Cities. I enjoyed this much more than I thought I would. Although reading from beginning to end, the whole book seemed like one big deja vu. I could have sworn that I never read the novel before this, but everything seemed too familar! This may be due to the fact that it's such a famous, well-known novel set in an era that I'm relatively well-versed with, but somehow I suspect that I *have* read the book, a very very long time ago and that my mind has suppressed that all this time. Haha. Crap theory.

And how could I forget, The Thorn Birds. My dad gave me that book. Told me it would make a good read. The first part was rather banal and boring. New Zealand rural life. Barf. Thank God I didn't stop reading. A scandalous, juicy, non-conforming, politically-incorrect novel, and a classic at that. Poor Meggie and Ralph. A love that lasted for so many decades. A love that was consumated. But how often did they get to see each other? Moral of the story, never fall in love with a priest. I'm not going to say anymore because I'm sure all my gushings would not do justice to it. Plus it's getting late and I am eargely awaiting dinner so that I can SLEEP EARLY and wake up at 5 fucking 30 AM.

The past few months have seen some changes, no doubt. I'm reading again. I'm enjoying it. There are still lots of things I strived to do in my 2006 resolutions that I haven't even started on, but I'm confident that after this blasted exercise is over, I can really find the momentum to push ahead and make the move.

Life. Love. It's scary. I don't want to get hurt. And so, as Freud correctly asserts, I choose to isolate myself. That way I won't get hurt. No one can ever hurt me if I don't put myself in the position to *get* hurt in the first place. But this can't go on forever, I know that. I really don't want to grow up single, my only partner being my career. Attached to my office. Working non-stop, 7 days a week, leaping to the top and earning more money than I can ever use (actually that will never happen, when you consider that I aspire to have my own $16 million yacht in the future, plus houses in many places including New York, Paris and Hawaii, etc etc). And don't get me wrong, I certainly would jump at that lifestyle if I ever got the chance. But there *has* to be someone in my life. There has to be. I need that person. And when I finally find him, I'm going to show him this and we can laugh about it. I hope.

Anyway, this is about it. I've taken a long time to type out this post and if you're still reading at this point, then my god you have no life. But I do fancy myself a rather interesting writer and hope you have enjoyed it. Perhaps you may want to read some of the books I reviewed. Tell me. Till the next time (probably when the hell also known as Ex Sweet Rover is over), ciao.