You Did It Again

Today, I inadvertently drew the last poison out of my misadventure of the past few months. It's doing damage, but at least everything has finally been detoxified.

I look back now at how everything panned out and wonder 'how the hell did I screw everything up so badly?'

It takes two hands to clap, of course, but my gosh my hand was just out of control, way outta whack. I became the very thing I swore I was not, I turned into the kind of person I professed to disdain - needy, neurotic, paranoid, unable to trust, despicable. And all that in the name of love? I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to profess my love for someone again if it brings out those aspects of me.

It was, ultimately, a selfish frolic of my own. I wasn't thinking about what you wanted. I was only concerned with what I wanted and what I decided you wanted and thought was in your best interests. And I screwed it up so badly.

The side effects are still ongoing, the process is still playing out, but I'm more convinced than I've been in a long time that I am incapable of genuine, self-sacrificial love.

It makes me sad. Because as crazy as it all sounds, I still think I wouldn't be happier with anyone else.