Living A Life Of Sin

I've always wanted to write about this. Never found the time/mustered the effort. I suppose now's as good a time as any. It's about the seeming incompatibility between religion and homosexuality. I'm going to focus on Christianity because I'm Christian and it's probably one of the more intolerant religions when it comes to man on man love. Or is that MEN on MEN =O

I've come to realise that many young homosexual Christians have this guilt chip built into them. Many were born into Christian families (including yours truly) and inheriting their parent's religion was as natural as inheriting their bad genes. I grew up going to Church every Sunday (I even had this perfect attendance award when I was 10). After a lapsed period (that had more to do with laziness than anything else), I attended church regularly again, initially once a week, and then once a fortnight, and I'm sensing a PATTERN here. During that premature revival, I was always afraid that homosexuality would be discussed at the pulpit. It never was, but every week (or subsequent fortnight), I would always wonder if that dirty little topic would be dug up and displayed for an entire congregation to pass judgement at (or, as is more likely the case given the herd instinct of many Christians, listen to the pastor issue his cautionary hell-and-brimstone sermon, and then pass whatever judgement they are told to). Truth be told, my church would probably never have preached the message of "ALL FAGGOTS (AND MADONNA) ARE ON A ONE WAY TICKET TO HELL - WHEE!" But even then, with my parents present (bear in mind that they are...aware of my sexual orientation, as much as we may choose to sweep it under the carpet), the mere thought of homosexuality being mentioned during sermon was enough to make me blush and CRINGE.

There came a point where I just stopped going to church altogether. Oh, I also adopted a HEALTHY dose of cynicism towards Christianity (and religion as a whole), which is actually a good thing. It amazes me how intelligent, educated professionals are willing to let themselves be brainwashed en bloc, like sheep to the slaughterhouse, without questioning anything they are told. So I should be happy right? Living a godless life in my own hedonist Sodom and Gomorrah utopia. See that's when that guilt chip comes in. Because as much as I try to ignore the elephant in the room, I am unable to forsake my religion completely. I KNOW that God exists, I believe that Jesus died for our sins on the cross, I have personally witnessed the power of prayer. But I simply cannot and will not accept a religion that is unable to accept me. If Christianity does not agree with my basic human condition, WHY should I agree with it?

You have your crazy evangelicals quoting the bible ad nauseam, although I'm so uncomfortable with the subject as a whole that I've never personally read what was said that may be interpreted as a biblical sanction on homosexuality. But didn't Jesus die for our sins? What makes the alleged sin of being gay (and all that comes with it of course) any worse than other sins? The bible does say that all sins are the same. There are no smaller or greater sins. The punishment for sin is death, and ALL men have sinned, which is why Jesus died on the cross for us. So why is special attention always lavished on the sin of homosexuality? Why is this particular sin apparently the only one that cannot be forgiven? As you can see, this is another instance where all I can do is throw out questions.

Another point I would like to make may prove more unsettling to those who happily eat whatever they are given, but tough shit too bad. The bible is the source that evangelicals quote to justify their opposition to homosexuality. The bible was not written by God. It was written by men. Let's not forget that. And men are prone to mistakes as well as their own prejudices (that's what makes us human after all). Even if God guided and steered these apostles so skillfully that everything written was as He intended, who's to say that was the case when the Bible was translated over the centuries? If I don't have amnesia, the Bible was written in Hebrew, subsequently translated to Latin. English translations probably only started appearing around the Middle Ages. Now, I'm no biblical scholar (I do have a PHD in faggotry tho') so please note that what I've written in this paragraph may not be entirely accurate, but I think the essence is there.

And so I find myself torn between two seemingly irreconcilable instituitions. The rainbow that God presented to Noah as a symbol of his promise to never dabble in genocide ever again, and that proud, fluttering rainbow flag watching over the Castro. That guilt chip continues to churn out periodic moments of worry which I proceed to sweep under the rug, along with all my other insecurities. And I realise I'm not alone. One of my fabulous fags described himself as a 'supermarket Catholic', and I've read of people who admit that one day they are going to have to come to terms with this, or that they need to find a partner who "loves God and will struggle through this together with me." Why SHOULD we have to struggle? I didn't choose to be like this. It came with my adolescence (read my previous post "Republican Lite" for that SAD SAD story). I don't want to have to struggle. Yet it seems that the only way to do that would be to forsake religion completely, which one of my frenemies has done, and I'm unwilling and unable to burn that bridge. So the guilt chip survives.

One day I will have to come to terms with all of this. Probably when I have to reckon with wrinkles and white hair and urinary incontinence. In other words, god willing, a FUCKING LONG TIME from now. Sometimes I wish I was born into a family of atheist. That would really solve A LOT of problems. But that isn't going to happen and I don't belive in reincarnation (if it did exist I would like to be reincarnated as Brad Pitt's penis please), so the only thing that I can do is continue to fumble through this life, and vainly hope that one day, some day, all this will just sort itself out. I just can't deny who I am as a person right now.