Freedom

I want to capture this moment right here. The feeling of relief that comes from leaving the slavish routine of NSF life. Knowing that I'll never be subjected to another parade or inspection in my life is reassuring. I've never been suited to regimentation. Simply isn't for me. And that's been my biggest problem with the SAF really. The rigidities of the system. The recent brouhaha over a serviceman's blog is the perfect example. It was a harmless little affair. What he wrote was basically true, and it was MILD compared to what a lot of others have written and said about our wonderful instituition. Whatever.

Looking at the small picture, I have been very lucky. My immediate superior has been very good to me. If you can get past the incessant nagging (and you will after a while, it feels like the wind blowing past - only gets in your hair momentarily), she's a good person to work for. I'll probably never have a boss as good as she has been to me again, simply because my unit is far removed from the realities and demands of the corporate world, try as they might to coat themselves with a veneer of professionalism.

So I'm slowly beginning to awaken from my slumber. The actual awakening hasn't come yet, but make no mistake, this bitch is starting to stir. To be perfectly honest, I'm not quite sure what to do with my life right now. The good thing about being in the army was that it provided a routine...I had to be in camp for most of the day, so there was less 'me' time, and that meant not having to think of ways to occupy myself. Is that sad? I don't know. But I'm pretty damn sure that I prefer this to being trapped in that archaic system.

It all depends on me now really. Whether I can shake off that inherent laziness, and more importantly whether I can overcome those insecurities of mine. The ego. The aversion to rejection. How does one cope with rejection? You can try my approach, retreat into your shell and errect those layers of walls. It brings stability and little else. What I want to be able to do is brush myself off and try again. Grit you teeth, bear with the pain, and just continue walking against adversity and the obstacles that are strewn before us as far as the eye can see. I mean, it's not humanly possibe to perpetually fail at EVERY juncture is it? Surely if you try 5 times, you'll hit the jackpot at least once? What are the odds of finding that special someone? Questions that I am unable to find answers to. I'll just put them in bottles and let them float out on the undulating waves of the ocean.

Whatever it is, I'm...happy to be in my position right now. Not ecstatically elated or overtly overjoyed, but content. It's been a long time coming.