The Trouble With Being Me

So here I am home alone on a Friday, after what was supposed to be a big reunion, with past transgressions forgiven and old ties renewed. Is it not Christmas? A time to bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones. It was about damn time anyway. Cindy and I had not seen each other since the beginning of the year and Gerald had conviniently arranged for a Christmas season gathering. Tong was unable to join us but I cast my reservations aside. After all, we had been such close friends before and everyone seemed convinced that we would have no problems getting along once we finally got to talking.

And so I left for Orchard feeling somewhat excited. A little anxious, yes, but still enthusiastic about how the day was going to turn out.

It didn't turn out very well.

Unfortunately, I was 45 minutes late. Cindy was promptly waiting for us at 1 and called both of us to request our whereabouts. What really made matters worse was when she called me and realised that I was no longer using my old number - and had not given her the new one. Which I have to say is perfectly understandable given that we had not spoken for so long. I had only given my number to people I was in contact with. Isn't that the point of having someone's mobile number anyway? I don't believe in storing an archive of numbers for the sake of it, when I'm only ever using a dozen or so. When I finally did meet them, Cindy was clearly miffed. To me, her face was a shade of black, expressing displeasure at both my lack of punctuality and the aforementioned circumstance.

I had thought of a number of topics for conversation, mostly revolving around Tong, although those were expended soon enough. Which left us with nothing but the elephant in the room. Now this is the trouble with me - When interacting with someone I have a grievance with, I am unable to put on a fake smile and pretend that nothing went wrong if the issue has not been addressed. Whether on MSN, over the phone, or in person, I have to confront the elephant as least once before he fades away, whether instantly or gradually. No such thing happened here. Not even a word alluding to the source of displeasure. And so I just couldn't bring myself to look her in the eye for more than a few seconds, so that even when we were making trivial conversation, I was either looking at Gerald, down at the table or into the distance. Indeed, I was more or less unable to look at her, period. It felt uncomfortable to do so, knowing that so much had happened and yet gone unaddressed. My irritation shows up very easily in my body language, and while I do consider this seeming inability to be fake a liability, I'm also rather proud of it. I don't get really pissed off very easily but once I do, I can't hide it.

Now here's the thing. Cindy had told Gerald earlier that she would see how our reunion was going and play by ear. If everything was fine and dandy, she would stay with us beyond lunch but if things were not going well, she would leave soon after. Of course, I was unaware of this and even suggested watching a movie, without knowing that Cindy had already decided to leave. So when Tong messaged to ask how things were going, I explained how the game was being played and that she had already left. Which tells you how well today turned out no?

Actually she didn't leave. Shao came to meet her. Which of course was the signal for our hasty departure. I have no desire to drown in the saccharine romance of others.

So how do I feel about all of this? I obviously do care. If I didn't, I wouldn't bother writing about it. But I do wonder if our friendship can ever be revived again. Is it better to let dead dogs lie? Or am I allowing my pride to throw away yet another friendship? One thing's certain. Nothing is going to change unless the elephant is dealt with. Until then, all I can do is wonder.