Full Circle

I've got this bitch of a sore throat. The guys say that I sound better like this. Apparently it's "more manly" and "less grating". Yipee. Have I really become some tragic caricature of a gay man? I once thought it was a tap that I could turn on and off at will. Maybe it's time for a re-evaluation. I used to think that masculinity was an asset. I mean, gay people like GUYS after all. If they wanted some prancing sissy they wouldn't BE gay would they? This was followed by a strategic shift to the flam-is-glam school of thought. We ARE gay, we have our own distinct (some would say stereotypical) characteristics, why shouldn't we celebrate them instead of trying to conform to the ideals of straight people? Perhaps the best answer to our woes is simply to be ourselves. Thing is, in this day and age when we are confronted by a barrage of images and ideals from an interminable number of directions, are we always aware of who we are as individuals?

Which got me to thinking, who am I as an individual? I may have made the transition from repressed straight-acting (to the point where it's almost boring) homosexual to overtly flamboyant, flaming, flailing (OK you get the idea) DI-VA, and I may have threw away my old clothes and gotten myself a better wardrobe (both literally and figuratively), but I'd like to think that the core of who I am, that which defines me beneath all the layers of bullshit and drama, has remained the same over all these years.

I allow myself to be defined by others. This is not to say that I have no individuality and am some blank screen for others to project images onto, but rather reflects who I am as a person - I generally like to go with the flow. I'm not really a confrontational person (but back me into a corner and I'll fight like a mad dog). Thus, I'm content to be influenced by the opinion of my peers. Which of course can be a terrible thing sometimes, but I suppose it's a product of my craving for acceptance. So why not be straight-acting and increase your chances of being accepted by mainstream society? Don't you like to go with the flow? Yes, but only when that doesn't conflict with my own ideals and beliefs. In fact, I also have a subversive streak. Sounds contradictory?

Well welcome to my second characteristic. I can be a ball of contradictions. I don't think that makes me a hypocrite - I don't like hypocrites very much. Allow me to quote from Ashlee Simpson, that wise sage. "Nobody's really seen my million subtleties..." I do have many facets to my personality. Certainly not one of those people who advertises himself as "just a simple boy". I'm not.

I'm not made to be alone. Most normal human beings do generally prefer to be in the company of others. In this instance, I'm happy to repprt that yes, I am a normal human being. I may be shy and reserved at first, but once I'm comfortable with a group of people I find great joy in being around them and sharing in their triumphs and defeats. I need 'me time' too of course, who doesn't? But I'd much rather spend my time with friends than by myself, thank you very much. I love a good laugh, but that doesn't mean I won't stick around during those moments of tears either. I don't quite know if I'm a romantic at heart. I've become far too jaded and cynical in that department to really take a good look at what is under the hardened core. I hope I still am. I really do.

Finally, loyalty. Ooh loyalty is a tricky one. Make no mistake, it's VERY important to me. A relationship without loyalty is no relationship at all. But the problem here is that my loyalty is often very focused, very defined. It isn't spread out for the world to enjoy. I am only loyal to people I feel deserve it. I don't always make the right decisions. There has been an instance where I had this delusional notion of loyalty to one friend that made me disloyal to another. Let's just say that wasn't my finest hour. I'm working on it.

Really, I'm working on who I am as a person constantly. Like MISSY ELLIOT, I'm still UNDER CONSTRUCTION. Sometimes I don't like what I see in myself and make changes. Sometimes I fight to keep what I feel is essential to my personality. I do feel that since the...troubles...of last year, I have come full circle in more ways than one. It isn't always clear cut, but then hardly anything worth fighting for ever is.