I Don't Know What To Do

You know what the ugly truth is? I actually AM pretty dumb. All these months I've been trying to portray that image of a male himbo without realising that I don't really have to fake the stupidity part of that equation. I'm not observant like Meng, don't have the wit and freaky super-intelligence of Jireh, and certainly don't have that extraordinary grasp of literature like Jeremy. I'm just very average on all counts. I just didn't realise it all these years because I've never been exposed to the cream of the crop. No offense to AC (which is still the bestest school in Singapore) or my dear friends but really, hanging out with all my queer friends has really expanded my horizons. So that's what the cherry on the cake looks like. I suppose that at the end of the day, there is some truth to what my brother said so many years ago. "ACS is for people who want to go to RI but can't." It's not that I could have gone to RI anyway, and I do look back on my AC years with bucketloads of nostalgia, but I think a lot of us AC boys do need to realise that just because we're great bullshitters doesn't guarantee us success in life when you consider the competition we're facing. A big ego is great. But it's even better when you can back it up with something solid. I think some of us can't. And that may well include myself.

Anyway after that moment of clarity and certainty comes nothing but confusion and frustration. I thought that by now I knew what I wanted. But now I'm really not so sure. It's a mixture of fear and nonchalence. Fear of rejection (as usual), and that nonchalence comes in to justify my loneliness. I think. It just seems so frustrating that one day I can be seemingly making progress and the next few days everything just seems to come to a standstill. Oh add to this the fact that I'm not able to focus any effort I can actually muster on any one person. Which is good if we're talking about making friends. But when we're talking about relationships, it's really not stellar. And the best part is, I have no idea how these people feel about me. I really don't. After the whole fiasco that was well, Meng, I am really not in the mood for the frustration and inevitable subsequent humiliation that comes with it. But if I don't take a chance, I will never ever find that happiness I have been so desperately in search of. Actually, I'm not even sure if it will bring me happiness. To all my straight friends, you guys have no idea how much easier you have it. Urgh.

Do I have a personality that turns people off? As in, the whole Carrie Bradshaw/Susan Mayer thing. Needy, insecure, sensitive, like a deer in the headlights. Somewhat whiny. I mean it may be funny and cute at first but doesn't it get irritating after a while? I don't exactly yearn to be victimized, but I think there's this part of me that does ask for it. I do. As much as Fong Peng asked for what she got from so many people over the years, I suppose a portion of me is asking for that victimization. Maybe it has something to do with my fetish for humiliation and masochism.

-heard it all before heard it all before heard it all before-