If You Think You're Lonely Now...

Feeling absolutely rotten. Lonely. Isolated. Dislocated. I'm very unhappy and sad. Camp life is terrible and well...outside of camp isn't that much better right now.

"Some people want it all, but I don't want nothing at all, if it ain't you baby, if I ain't got you baby, some people want diamond rings, some just want everything, but everything means nothing if I ain't got you"

Sums up the way I feel very aptly. So who is 'you' then? I'm not sure really. I'm not so sure anymore. I guess 'you' would be someone I've never had, more of an abstract concept than cold reality. And that's the sad part isn't it? I'm 19. I've never ever had someone to call my own. There's never been this mutual feeling of attraction. It's always been a one way street, and lately I've been the fool on the losing end. I'm afraid that one day I would have met all the people I would want to meet, with none of them being attracted to me. Then there would be two options. Settle for someone I don't really fancy, or just remain by myself and alone, as I have been all along.

How many more searches do I have to make? The nerves of meeting someone for the first time. And the subsequent disappointment. Funny how 2 years ago I was so flippant and heck care about the whole relationship thing. Now it seems to be the one thing on my mind. I've never suscribed to the love at first sight theory (even tho' the song is just so so gorgeous). I still don't. Everything starts with friendship. But how am I going to find someone to love when the friendship isn't even there?

Oh and I just HATE it when dad decides to take the "tidiness" of my room into his own hands. I'm gone for less than 12 damn hours and when I come back all my stuff has been put away and TIDIED up. That fucking pisses me off. I can't find what I want to find. And my FACE...my FACE is BLOODY becoming a ZIT breeding ground. Dunno WHAT THE FUCK has happened over the past few days. Must be all the STRESS from work and outside work. I hate myself.